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Fred Hassan buys division of GM; launches Hummer Pharmaceutical

Earns Schering PloughFred Hassan, pharma’s turnaround artist, has taken on his biggest challenge yet, buying up a money-losing division of General Motors to turn it into a profitable pharmaceutical company, suitable for re-sale.

Fresh off his gig turning Schering into a suitor for Merck, Hassan decided that he wanted to make his final professional venture a glorious one, something never attempted before. “I helped lead Wyeth, turned Pharmacia into Pfizer-bait, now did the old ‘clean house and flip’ with Schering. It’s time to take on a complete loser of an operation in a dying industry and turn it into a healthcare dynamo.”

Hummer Pharma’s first drug, a rather large pill code-named the H4, is to be submitted later this year for FDA approval. H4 is a targeted treatment for business executives suffering from Takeover Stress Disorder (TSD), a condition marked by anxiety over job retention and bonus retraction. Pent-up demand on Wall Street and in Detroit indicates that H4 may be a blockbuster, particularly in light of projections that the federal government will have taken over most industries by the time Phase III studies are complete.

Also in the pipeline is H5, the first armored pill for Legislative Incompetence Syndrome. Lobbyists have already begun approaching members of Congress for fast-track approval of the drug without review, since they seem to do a lot of that lately.

All executives at Hummer Pharma will drive – well, Hummers – that are currently languishing in inventory, until the manufacturing transition is complete. Details as to how a bunch of sheet metal factories would be churning out medications were not available as this story was filed, but hints were contained in a secret memo that UAW workers would be forcibly enrolled in Phase 1 safety and crash testing.

Rumors were already circulating as to who would take over Hummer Pharma once the transition to a healthcare company is complete. AIG Pharma, headed by Barney Frank, seems to be the leading early contender.

Oh…and Happy April 1st!


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