The Boston-based law firm of Rosiglitazone, Metformin & Sitaliptin has taken the unprecedented step of filing a global tort lawsuit on behalf of 6 billion residents of Planet Earth, charging a massive coverup on the part of every pharmaceutical company in the recent revelations of possible negative effects on the heart for those taking the drug Avandia.
“While this drug has proven to be effective for a large number of patients, we believe that GlaxoSmithKline, the FDA, every other pharmaceutical company, and Benny’s Diner of Hackensack were complicit in covering up information that every person should have known about, with the exception of 100 residents of the small Pacific island of Jumbalaya,” stated Marvin Metformin, partner and spokesperson for the firm. “Therefore, we have named all the aforementioned entities as defendants in this suit, and are seeking $300 trillion in damages (plus a 15% gratuity).”
Asked why 6 billion people were named as plaintiffs, as opposed to a small group of actual users who may have been harmed by the drug, Metformin responded, “It’s simple. They’ve been exposed. Avandia users are all over, and with the exception of the excluded parties on Jumbalaya, you can bet people have had ‘second-hand molecular interactions’ with Avandia worldwide. So, it is simplest to include everyone who has a heart, because if they have problems, you can bet it’s because of Avandia. Actually, on second thought, perhaps the partners in our firm should be excluded from the suit,” mused Metformin.
The firm named the FDA and every other pharmaceutical company in existence as defendants, because “they are all evil, they all do the same thing, and we’re talking seriously deep pockets here,” according to Roger Rosiglitazone, partner and lead counsel in the suit. “How else are we going to reach our revenue goals for this year? Heck, if we end up settling for a few trillion, at the end of the day, that still gets me a 200-foot yacht and a lifetime stash of Cuban – ooops, I mean Dominican cigars. And that’s what the American dream is all about!”
Benny Schwartz, owner of Benny’s Diner in Hackensack, was perplexed as to why his eatery was named as a defendant in the suit. “Hey, I try to run a nice establishment here. You want an omelet? You get an omelet. We don’t ask no questions. Sure, we’ve had Kindler and Vasella and some of them other drug bigwigs in here, we get reps sipping coffee and killing time, we even got a guy who came in with a bucket of money one day. Haven’t seen him in a while. But we don’t listen to what they say. Besides, I use Actos, because it has a superior clinical profile and more efficacious mechanism of action.”
Curiously, a picture of the partners of the law firm shows 4 individuals. Asked why one of them looks suspiciously like the current CEO of the Top Five pharma company, Metformin would only say, “Hey, you gotta hedge your bets, you know? You don’t know how stuff like this is going to go down, so it’s best to…uhh…have a foot on both sides of the fence. Who released that picture anyway? My hair doesn’t look as nice as John Edwards.”
Metformin would not disclose what percentage of the take his firm anticipates from the suit, but with a wink and a smirk, he said sotto voce, “Let’s just say we won’t be needing any cheap imports from Canada, eh?”
(image credit: Flickr)