NYC – Pfizer Pharmaceuticals announced today its boldest corporate move yet – the establishment of a top-tier group dedicated solely to re-organizing the company on a perpetual basis.
Citing a long-standing relationship with Price Waterhouse Coopers over the years during countless prior re-organizations, Pfizer CEO Ian Reed announced the acquisition by stating, “We’ve paid them a fortune over the years anyway – why not just bring them in-house?”
Pfizer, which last re-organized in Q1 2014, also engaged PWC to consult on corporate shuffling in 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009 (twice), 2008, 2007, 2006, and countless years before that. “Spin-offs, M&A, downsizing, new corporate jargon initiatives – we can no longer see these things as periodic in the new economy. Change is constant, and…..sorry, what’s that??? I no longer have a VP of R&D?? Ah, well, our newest division is already hard at work!”
PWC also actively helped 26 other pharmaceutical and biotech companies re-organize at least annually during the same time period. These companies will now have to figure it out on their own; or, worse yet, keep their current structure in place for a year or even more.
“We may have to deal with productive employees again, at least until we can find another re-org consultancy,” stated one unnamed president of a mid-tier pharmaceutical company. “I think our people will miss the endless turmoil and doubt of the monthly re-org meetings.”
“Like all of our peers, we’re really in two businesses,” declared Reed at the press conference to announce the acquisition. “Making drugs, and re-organizing. It just makes sense to have a permanent Division of Re-organization dedicated to the effort of optimizing our commercial human/technical footprint vis-a-vis current market opportunities.”
Asked how the new division would be organized, Reed deferred to the current leader of the PWC division, who could not be reached for comment during the current re-organization.
April 1 is known throughout the industry to be the “Spring Re-org Season,” generally kicking off around Opening Day of every new baseball season. Rumors that Pfizer was planning to spin off its OTC division and replace it with the New York Mets could not be confirmed.
(yes, it is April Fool’s Day)
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